Riding for The brand
The Sermon on the Mount!
Sermon 8, Divorce! It Gets Messy!
Matthew 5:31-32
So here we are!
Matthew 5:31–32 (NLT)
31 “You
have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her
a written notice of divorce.’* 32 But I say that a man who divorces his
wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone
who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.
Before we start!
·
The
law can’t save us only Jesus can!
o
Luke 16-18 (Read)
o The bible is Good we
are bad
o We cannot do enough
good works to enter in to the Kingdom
o The religious folks
think it's a manual, it's a reveling og Gods greatness and wickedness
The
law cannot save. The law exists to show us our sin, to show us that we
desperately need a savior and that we cannot save ourselves, you’re not moral
enough, you can’t do enough good works, you can’t be religious enough to please
God, as a matter of fact It offends Him
when we try to “Buy your way in”. Instead we need a savior! And the good news
is that he went to the cross and suffered and died in our place, for our sins,
as our substitute and savior, to cancel our debt to God.
Why Was Jesus so
hard line in divorce?
To point our true
sin nature! (We are all Hypocrites)
·
Jesus
needs to point our sin, to bring us to repentance
·
He
does this out His love for us
·
God
knew we would sin, and brought Jesus for that reason
·
For
some reason, the American Christian community has decide this is one of the
Laws there is no Grace for
·
I
don’t like seeing any one Get divorced, but there is Grace for that sin like
any other
Everywhere
that I find Jesus talking about Divorce he is talking to the Religious leaders
of the day and is pointing out even when you think your following the letter of
the law you’re not! There trying to see if Jesus knows the law and the Dummies
don’t even know He is the law. John 1:2 “He existed
in the beginning with God”
To Set Some
Standards!
Now, here’s what was
going on.
These
religious leaders were very popular and very rich. And one of the reasons why?
·
They
would grant people divorces without biblical cause and grounds.
o You’re not happy?
That’s fine.
o You want an
annulment? We’re fine with that.
o Just come to us, tell us you’re unhappy, write
a big donation check to our ministry. We’ll pull a few verses out of context
and tell you God’s okay with it.
·
Some churches, denominations, and leaders
still do this.
o The Bible calls them
false prophets, false teachers, and false apostles.
o They’re people who
are for hire. You come in, tell ‘em what you want, write a check, and they will
tell you what you want to hear!
·
Some
churches today take a very hard line and say no
o This is wrong true
o I agree that many
people in the Church have no Grounds “Biblically” for Divorce
o I don’t agree that
there are no grounds for a divorce
o I don’t agree God
can’t use you in ministry because of it
o Sometimes it's
because of that very thing you can help a brother or a sister
As
we hits this issue of divorce, it is an issue, quite frankly, that touches us
all. For some of you, this was your grandparents, this was your parents. For
some of you, this is extended family, friends, people you love and you know and
your seating in the front-row seat to their pain and it’s hard to watch. We’re
all affected by it, family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors, people we love
and care about. For some, you are divorced. For some, you’re in the process of
divorce. For some, apart from some fast grace, you are headed toward disaster,
devastation, divorce.
So we’re going to
talk about divorce.
Jesus
here is not providing a lengthy instruction on divorce. He’s pointing it out as
a sin example in their life. But I know it raises for us all a host of
complicated, difficult, painful questions. So let me try and answer them in an
effort to serve you. Normally, I would just keep moving through the Sermon on
the Mount, but when we hit something that is such a devastating issue in our
day as divorce, we have to stop and unpack it biblically. If you’re married, I’m gonna ask you to hold hands. And if you can’t, that’s
ok, but it shows me you’re in trouble.
What constitutes the biblical grounds for divorce?
Let me preface all
of this by talking about this pastorally.
·
I’m
going to answer questions and give you Bible verses, and I would encourage you
to read and study for yourself
·
Please,
please, please don’t turn this into a math equation.
·
We’re
dealing with human beings and their lives.
·
We’re
dealing with the second most important relationship, the relationship with your
spouse, the only higher priority relationship you have is the One you have with
God.
It’s
not math, its life. Math is easy; life is hard because the variables are very
complicated, very difficult. And so, yes, we want to obey the Bible, but to do
that the Bible tells us to be people who are in the lives of those who are
suffering, pastors giving counsel and care. Please don’t treat this as a math
equation.
·
Don’t
rush to judgment. Just because your friend is hurting and/or filing for
divorce, don’t immediately just rush to their defense.
o “In seeking truth
you have to get both sides of a story.” Walter Cronkite
o I learned this the
hard way early on in ministry
Biblical Reason
We
are not a church that believes that no one ever has a right to a divorce. We
believe, sadly, tragically, painfully, there are occasions when divorce is
permitted. And here they are.
Number one: Death
Romans 7:2 (NLT)
For
example, when a woman marries, the law binds her to her husband as long as he
is alive. But if he dies, the laws of marriage no longer apply to her.
·
It’s
not technically divorce, but it is the cessation of the marriage, and that is
death
·
Marriage
is a covenant that lasts until death do we part.
·
Upon
death, the marriage covenant has ended and the widowed or widower spouse is
welcome to remarry if in fact they so desire.
Number Two: Adultery
Deuteronomy 22:22 (NLT) (Matt
5:32)
“If
a man is discovered committing adultery, both he and the woman must die. In
this way, you will purge Israel of such evil.
·
Part
of the covenant of marriage is that one man and one woman would be one flesh,
and adultery is the betrayal of the oneness of the covenant.
·
Adultery
can destroy a marriage. And adultery is a sin, and sin leads to death, and sin
can lead to the death of the marriage.
·
This
does not mean, if adultery is committed, that you have to get a divorce, but it
means that you may have biblical grounds to do so.
Number Three: Sexual
Immorality
Matthew 19:9 (NLT) (Matt
5:32)
9 And
I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits
adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.
·
Jesus
uses the word, porneia. It’s the same root word from which we get pornography
and it’s a general term meaning all kinds of sexual immorality and sin.
·
Porn
lives here
·
Lust
lives here
·
If
you’re saying “I’ve not technically committed adultery and been physically
present with someone,” but you’ve committed porneia. You are sexually
corrupted.
·
that
doesn’t mean that you have to get a divorce
o but it does mean if there is this ongoing
pattern of sexual sin and filth that violates the covenant terms of oneness and
fidelity, then yes, there may be grounds for divorce.
These
are difficult circumstances and judgment calls. That’s why it takes leadership
that is loving and prayerful and careful and biblical to be involved, to help
understand and unpack all of this
Number Four: A
non-Christian quits the marriage
1 Corinthians 7:15 (NLT)
15 (But
if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In
such cases the Christian husband or wife* is no longer bound to the other, for
God has called you* to live in peace.)
·
A
Christian marries a non-Christian
o You’re not supposed to do that, but some
people do.
o I would beg you, I
would implore you, I would invite you, do not marry a non-Christian.
·
Sometimes
two people marry as non-Christians, one becomes a Christian, and then the
non-Christian says, “I did not sign up to be married to a Christian
o They make an
ultimatum like, “You’re not allowed to pray with our kids, take them to church,
or tell them about Jesus or else!”
·
A
third scenario, where two professing Christians marry, and at some point in the
marriage, one becomes what we will call apostate. They decide, “I want nothing
to do with Jesus, Bible, and the church, and so I’m leaving you.”
Number Five,
Treachery or Treasonous Betrayal and Behavior.
Malachi 2:14–16 (NLT)
14 You
cry out, “Why doesn’t the LORD accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because
the LORD witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But
you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful
partner, the wife of your marriage vows.
15 Didn’t
the LORD make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his.* And what
does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal
to the wife of your youth. 16 “For
I hate divorce!” says the
LORD, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her
with cruelty,*” says the LORD of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart;
do not be unfaithful to your wife.”
·
Tell
the story behind the Verse
·
In
marriage, people do some horrendous, despicable things to one another. I’ve
seen people do the most cruel, bitter, mean-spirited things to one another. And
the Bible here is talking about various ways that we destroy one another. And
again, it takes spiritual leadership to investigate it, but sometimes it does
rise to the level of being grounds for divorce.
o
I
see this mostly in women
o
Men
can be extremely mean
o
So
we have to be careful how we misuse and mistreat our wives
o
This
is metal and verbal abuse
o
Sexual
misuse of our spouse
Number Six,
Ultimately This is Hardness of Heart
Matthew 19:8 (NLT) (Mark
10:5)
8 Jesus
replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but
it was not what God had originally intended.
·
Hardness
of heart is where one person in the marriage refuses to admit any wrongdoing.
o
“Did
you contribute to this?” “Nope, I didn’t do anything. It’s their fault.”
o
They’re
blame shifting, defending, accusing, attacking.
§
“So
you have nothing to work on?
§
You have nothing to change?”
·
“You
know what? They’re the problem in the marriage. I’m good, they’re bad. It’s
their fault.”
·
This
is where Un-forgiveness lives!
o
The
other person has admitted there sin. They’re sorry. You don’t need to fully
trust them yet, but can you forgive them so that there is the possibility of
regaining and rebuilding trust?”
o
And
you say “nope not going to happen”
And
as a pastor, I just tell you this, emotionally, this is so hard to see.
Adultery, treacherous behavior, hardness of heart, sexual immorality of various
sorts and kinds. I just keep thinking of people that I know and people that I
love and conversations that I’ve had and tragedies that I’ve witnessed.
We’re not a church that often says, “Yes, get
a divorce. It’s hard.” We’re not that church. We’re also not the church that
says, “Nobody should ever get a divorce.” Somewhere between hard, rough,
legalistic religion that says nobody ever gets a divorce, and permissive,
liberal, “We’ll cash your checks and be false prophets.” Somewhere between
those two extremes of all or nothing is biblical wisdom, discernment that comes
with a broken heart, compassion, love, affection for people. We really want to
help. And these are the grounds.
And
like I told you, when you’re dealing with issues of life, particularly those
regarding marriage, it’s more of an art than a science. It’s not math, it’s
shepherding. Got to get to know people, got to check it all out, got to see
what’s going on. Got to prayerfully, carefully, biblically, and patiently come
to a conclusion.
The next question
Who gets to decide
if biblical grounds have been met?
Frist let me tell
you:
·
You
don’t get to decide if you have biblical grounds.
·
You
can’t be the umpire in your own life.
·
just
‘cause I teach you the Bible doesn’t mean, you can say: “Oh, I have grounds for
divorce.
·
I
can’t tell you either in a 140 character text message!
Just
because you want a “godly divorce,” you can’t pick whatever information
justifies your position and then render a verdict about your own status and
then declare yourself holy in the sight of God. It’s not that easy.
It takes Spiritual Leadership
1 Peter 5:1–2 (ESV)
5 So
I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the
sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be
revealed: 2 shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising
oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful
gain, but eagerly;
So
the Bible says that Jesus is our chief shepherd, pastors are like
under-shepherds, and that people are like sheep and that the church is like a
flock and that it is our duty and joy and privilege and responsibility to
shepherd and provide oversight, to help oversee things.
·
Seek
out the pastor
·
Seek
out the elders
·
Seek
Godly advice
·
Pray
earnestly about what they say
·
Read
Gods word, seek the holy spirit
Hebrews 13:17–18 (ESV)
17 Obey
your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls,
as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not
with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.
18 Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a
clear conscience, desiring to act honorably in all things.
I
take on a great responsibility as your pastor, all the men who have accepted
the roles of elder and lay pastors have taken on a large responsibility. One day
I will stand before God as to the advice and teaching and council that I give
you I take that very seriously. And to be Honest it is sometimes overwhelming
as we Grow to think, and Pray about what I say and Do.
The second Question:
Must people endure abusive relationships?
Some statistic: between 10%–14% of
marriages have just sexual abuse. In addition, there’s physical abuse,
emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, mental abuse. People can be incessantly,
incredibly cruel to one another. And it’s tragic and it grieves the heart of
God. Now, when there is abuse of any sort or kind, 95% of the time it is the
wife who is abused, 95% of the time.
The Bible:
1 Peter 3:7 (ESV)
Likewise,
husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the
woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life,
so that your prayers may not be hindered.
·
Weaker
here does not mean to regard her less.
·
He
is like a thermos; she’s like a crystal goblet, right? You can drop him on the
floor; he’s going to make it. You drop her on the floor, different result.
·
Women are different than men. Men tend to be
physically tougher and are able to bully, intimidate, harm their wife.
·
The
Bible says, “No. Be considerate. Be understanding. Be loving. Be gentle.”
That’s absolutely the opposite of abuse.
Ephesians 5:25 (ESV) Husbands, love your
wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
·
Our
relationship with our spouse is to mirror our relationship with Christ
·
Jesus
was NOT harsh,
mean, rude or abusive
·
Jesus
is altogether, only, always loving, gracious, merciful, and good to the church.
·
So
in no way are we saying that a wife—and that is most often the case—should
endure any abuse at all.
The
only way to not have abuse in a marriage is to call only one spouse to obey the
Bible.
If
you’re a woman in an abusive relationship, you need to tell a pastor. You may
need to tell the police. You may need to get a restraining order. He needs to
get serious help. There is no way we would encourage a woman to be in a
dangerous position. That violence tends to only escalate; it extends to the
children, and can result in the murder of the wife. Of course that is not what
we want. We want to see marriages last, but not marriages last with abuse.
The Third Question: What
about remarriage after a divorce?
Luke 16:18, “Everyone who
divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a
woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.”
·
If
you’re going to destroy the marriage, you don’t get another one.
·
You
must confess your sin, stand before God and repent
·
Then
and ONLY then will you be restored in Gods sight
1 Corinthians 7:15, “If the unbelieving partner separates, let
it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called
you to peace.”
·
You’re
your unbelieving spouse leave you can remarry
If
you’re on the receiving end of any of the reasons for divorce we talked about you
can remarry. But I caution you to seek counseling and healing before you try
again. But again, this is not math, this is life. We want to get to know you,
look at all the variables, be involved, walk with you, and help figure this
out.
Closing:
Is there hope in safeguarding
your marriage?
How
many of you have heard that there is no statistical difference between
Christians and non-Christians when it comes to such things as adultery and
divorce? Have you heard that? It’s almost now an urban legend.
The good news: it’s not true.
·
The
study was flawed
·
They
didn’t dig in to the lives of those ask “are you a Christian”
·
So
of course anyone who has ever been to church said yes!
It’s not just
profession of faith, its possession and practice of faith that matter.
Jesus says, “Many will come to me and say, ‘Lord, Lord, we belong to
you,’ and he will say, ‘Depart from me, I never knew you.’”
A new Study:
So
I did a bit of research and I think the best sociologist in this area is a man
named Bradford Wilcox. He’s at the University of Virginia. He did a massive
study, the largest of its kind. And he published a book on his findings called
Soft Patriarchs, New Men. And he says that for those who are Christian, there
are three variables that do not necessarily guarantee marital success, but drop
the divorce rate in half. So we need to know what they are.
Number one: regular,
joint church attendance.
·
Husband
and wife going to, part of, involved in community with the same church.
·
This
allows you to be under teaching, under authority, in community, getting
accountability, positive examples, negative examples, encouragement for being
obedient, and discouragement for becoming disobedient.
·
Go to church together. And don’t just go to
church together, be in community, get in a small group, teach the kids
together, be a part of the body of Christ.
Number two: shared
theology.
·
You
agree on Jesus and the Bible and marriage and roles.
·
Carrie
and I don’t have much in common
·
But
what we agree, the Bible is God’s Word, Jesus is God’s Son, the law of God
exposes our sin, we need the grace of Christ, we need the humility of the Holy
Spirit, we need to repent to one another, we need to forgive one another, we
need to obey the Bible because Jesus is Lord and I’m not. If we agree on those
things, you can build a marriage. The rest is all details.
Number three: bring
your faith home.
·
Do
you read the Bible together at home?
·
Do
you read Christian books together?
·
Are you in a small group together?
·
Do you pray together?
o If so, your odds of
divorce go down by 50% because the couple that prays together stays together
o
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