Sermon Notes 3-18-2018

The Sermon on the Mount!

Divorce! It Gets Messy!

Matthew 5:31-32

So here we are!

Matthew 5:31–32 (NLT)

31 “You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’* 32 But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.

Before we start!

·      The law can’t save us, only Jesus can!

o   Luke 16-18 (Read)

o   The bible is Good, we are bad

o   We cannot do enough good works to enter into the Kingdom

o   The religious folks think it's a manual, it's a revealing of God's greatness and our wickedness

The law cannot save. The law exists to show us our sin, to show us that we desperately need a savior, and that we cannot save ourselves. You’re not moral enough, you can’t do enough good works, you can’t be religious enough to please God. As a matter of fact, it offends Him when we try to “Buy your way in”. Instead we need a savior! And the good news is that He went to the cross and suffered and died in our place, for our sins, as our substitute and savior, to cancel our debt to God.

Why Was Jesus so hard line in divorce?

To point out our true sin nature! (We are all Hypocrites)

·      Jesus needs to point out our sin, to bring us to repentance

·      He does this out of His love for us

·      God knew we would sin, and brought Jesus for that reason

·      For some reason, the American Christian community has decided this is one of the Laws there is no Grace for.

·      I don’t like seeing any one get divorced, but there is Grace for that sin like any other.

Everywhere that I find Jesus talking about Divorce, He is talking to the Religious leaders of the day and is pointing out that even when you think you're following the letter of the law, you’re not! They're trying to see if Jesus knows the law, and the Dummies don’t even know He is the law. John 1:2 “He existed in the beginning with God”

Now, here’s what was going on.

These religious leaders were very popular and very rich. And one of the reasons why?

·      They would grant people divorces without biblical cause and grounds.

o   You’re not happy? That’s fine.

o   You want an annulment? We’re fine with that.

o    Just come to us, tell us you’re unhappy, write a big donation check to our ministry. We’ll pull a few verses out of context and tell you God’s okay with it.

·       Some churches, denominations, and leaders still do this.

o   The Bible calls them false prophets, false teachers, and false apostles.

o   They’re people who are for hire. You come in, tell ‘em what you want, write a check, and they will tell you what you want to hear!

·      Some churches today take a very hard line and say no.

o   This is wrong also.

o   I agree many people in the Church have no grounds “Biblically” for Divorce

o   I don’t agree there are no grounds for a divorce

o   I don’t agree God can’t use you in ministry because of it

o   Sometimes because of the divorce you went through, you can help a brother or a sister.

As we hit this issue of divorce, and it is an issue quite frankly, that touches us all. For some of you, it was your grandparents, it was your parents. For some of you, it is extended family, friends, people you love and know, and your sitting in the front-row seat to their pain, and it’s hard to watch. We’re all affected by it, family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors, people we love and care about. For some, you are divorced. For some, you’re in the process of divorce.

So we’re going to talk about divorce.

Jesus here is not providing a lengthy instruction on divorce. He’s pointing it out as a sin example in their life. But I know it raises for us all a host of complicated, difficult, and painful questions. So let me try and answer them in an effort to serve you. Normally, I would just keep moving through the Sermon on the Mount, but when we hit something that is such a devastating issue in our day as divorce, we have to stop and unpack it biblically.

If you’re married, I’m gonna ask you to hold hands.

What constitutes the biblical grounds for divorce?

Let me preface all of this by talking about this pastorally.

·      I’m going to answer questions and give you Bible verses, and I would encourage you to read and study for yourself.

·      Please, please, please don’t turn this into a math equation.

·      We’re dealing with human beings and their lives.

·      We’re dealing with the second most important relationship, the relationship with your spouse. The only higher priority relationship you have is the One you have with God.

It’s not math, it's life. Math is easy; life is hard because the variables are very complicated, very difficult. And so, yes, we want to obey the Bible, but to do that, the Bible tells us to be people who are in the lives of those who are suffering, pastors giving counsel and care. Please don’t treat this as a math equation.

·      Don’t rush to judgment. Or just because your friend is hurting and/or filing for divorce, don’t immediately rush to their defense.

o   “In seeking truth, you have to get both sides of a story.” Walter Cronkite

o   I learned this the hard way early on in ministry.

Biblical Reason

We are not a church that believes that no one ever has a right to a divorce. We believe, sadly, tragically, painfully, there are occasions when divorce is permitted. And here they are.

Number one: Death

Romans 7:2 (NLT)

 For example, when a woman marries, the law binds her to her husband as long as he is alive. But if he dies, the laws of marriage no longer apply to her.

·      It’s not technically divorce, but it is the cessation of the marriage, and that is death.

·      Marriage is a covenant that lasts until death do we part.

·      Upon death, the marriage covenant has ended, and the widow or widower is welcome to remarry if in fact they so desire.

Number Two: Adultery

Deuteronomy 22:22 (NLT) (Matt 5:32)

“If a man is discovered committing adultery, both he and the woman must die. In this way, you will purge Israel of such evil.

·      Part of the covenant of marriage is that one man and one woman would be one flesh, and adultery is the betrayal of the oneness of the covenant.

·      Adultery can destroy a marriage. And adultery is a sin, and sin leads to death, and sin can lead to the death of the marriage.

·      This does not mean, if adultery is committed, that you have to get a divorce, but it means that you may have biblical grounds to do so.

Number Three: Sexual Immorality

Matthew 19:9 (NLT) (Matt 5:32)

9 And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.

·      Jesus uses the word porneia. It’s the same root word from which we get pornography, and it’s a general term meaning all kinds of sexual immorality and sin.

·      Porn lives here.

·      Lust lives here.

·      If you’re saying “I’ve not technically committed adultery and been physically present with someone,” but you’ve committed porneia. You are sexually corrupted.

·      that doesn’t mean that you have to get a divorce

o    but it does mean if there is this ongoing pattern of sexual sin and filth that violates the covenant terms of oneness and fidelity, then yes, there may be grounds for divorce.

These are difficult circumstances and judgment calls. That’s why it takes leadership that is loving and prayerful and careful and biblical to be involved, to help understand and unpack all of this.

Number Four: A non-Christian quits the marriage

1 Corinthians 7:15 (NLT)

15 (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife* is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you* to live in peace.)

·      A Christian marries a non-Christian

o    You’re not supposed to do that, but some people do.

o   I would beg you, I would implore you, I would invite you, do not marry a non-Christian.

·      Sometimes two people marry as non-Christians, one becomes a Christian, and then the non-Christian says, “I did not sign up to be married to a Christian

o   They make an ultimatum like, “You’re not allowed to pray with our kids, take them to church, or tell them about Jesus or else!”

·      A third scenario, where two professing Christians marry, and at some point in the marriage, one becomes what we will call apostate. They decide, “I want nothing to do with Jesus, Bible, and the church, and so I’m leaving you.”

Number Five, Treachery or Treasonous Betrayal and Behavior.

Malachi 2:14–16 (NLT)

14 You cry out, “Why doesn’t the LORD accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because the LORD witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows.

15 Didn’t the LORD make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his.* And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. 16 “For I hate divorce!” says the LORD, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,*” says the LORD of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”

·      In marriage, people do some horrendous, despicable things to one another. I’ve seen people do the most cruel, bitter, mean-spirited things to one another. And the Bible here is talking about various ways that we destroy one another. And again, it takes spiritual leadership to investigate it, but sometimes it does rise to the level of being grounds for divorce.

o   I see this mostly in women.

o   Men can be extremely mean

o   So we have to be careful so as not to misuse and mistreat our wives.

o   This can be mental and verbal abuse.

o   Sexual misuse of our spouse.

Number Six, Ultimately This is Hardness of Heart

Matthew 19:8 (NLT) (Mark 10:5)

8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended."

·      Hardness of heart is when one person in the marriage refuses to admit any wrongdoing.

o   “Did you contribute to this?” “Nope, I didn’t do anything. It’s their fault.”

o   They’re blame shifting, defending, accusing, attacking.

§  “So you have nothing to work on?

§   You have nothing to change?”

·      “You know what? They’re the problem in the marriage. I’m good, they’re bad. It’s their fault.”

·      This is where Un-forgiveness lives!

o   The other person has admitted their sin. They’re sorry. You don’t need to fully trust them yet, but can you forgive them so that there is the possibility of regaining and rebuilding trust?”

o   And you say “nope, not going to happen”

And as a pastor, I just tell you this, emotionally, this is so hard to see. Adultery, treacherous behavior, hardness of heart, sexual immorality of various sorts and kinds. I just keep thinking of people that I know, and people that I love, and conversations that I’ve had, and tragedies that I’ve witnessed.

 We’re not a church that often says, “Yes, get a divorce. It’s hard.” We’re not that church. We’re also not the church that says, “Nobody should ever get a divorce.” We know there is a place somewhere between hard, rough, legalistic religion that says nobody ever gets a divorce, and permissive, liberal, “We’ll cash your checks and be false prophets.” So somewhere between those two extremes of all or nothing is biblical wisdom, discernment that comes with a broken heart, compassion, love, and affection for people. We really want to help. And these are the grounds.

And like I told you, when you’re dealing with issues of life, particularly those regarding marriage, it’s more of an art than a science. It’s not math, it’s shepherding. Got to get to know people, got to check it all out, got to see what’s going on. Got to prayerfully, carefully, biblically, and patiently come to a conclusion.

The next question

Who gets to decide if biblical grounds have been met?

First let me tell you:

·      You don’t get to decide if you have biblical grounds.

·      You can’t be the umpire in your own life.

·      just ‘cause I teach you the Bible doesn’t mean, you can say: “Oh, I have grounds for divorce."

·      I can’t tell you either in a 140 character text message!

Just because you want a “godly divorce,” you can’t pick whatever information justifies your position, and then render a verdict about your own status, and then declare yourself holy in the sight of God. It’s not that easy.

It takes Spiritual Leadership

1 Peter 5:1–2 (ESV)

5 So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: 2 shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly;

So the Bible says that Jesus is our chief shepherd, pastors are like under-shepherds, and that people are like sheep, and that the church is like a flock, and that it is our duty and joy and privilege and responsibility to shepherd and provide oversight, to help oversee things.

·      Seek out the pastor

·      Seek out the elders

·      Seek Godly advice

·      Pray earnestly about what they say

·      Read Gods word, seek the Holy Spirit

Hebrews 13:17–18 (ESV)

17 Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.

18 Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a clear conscience, desiring to act honorably in all things.

I take on a great responsibility as your pastor. All the men who have accepted the roles of elder and lay pastors have taken on a large responsibility. One day I will stand before God as to the advice and teaching and council that I give you. I take that very seriously. And to be honest, it is sometimes overwhelming as we grow to think, and pray about what I say and do.

The second Question: Must people endure abusive relationships?

Some statistic: between 10%–14% of marriages have just sexual abuse. In addition, there’s physical abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, mental abuse. People can be incessantly, incredibly cruel to one another. And it’s tragic, and it grieves the heart of God. Now, when there is abuse of any sort or kind, 95% of the time it is the wife who is abused, 95% of the time.

The Bible:

1 Peter 3:7 (ESV)

 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

·      Weaker here does not mean to regard her less.

·      He is like a thermos; she’s like a crystal goblet, right? You can drop him on the floor; he’s going to make it. You drop her on the floor, different result.

·       Women are different than men. Men tend to be physically tougher, and are able to bully, intimidate, harm their wife.

·      The Bible says, “No. Be considerate. Be understanding. Be loving. Be gentle.” That’s absolutely the opposite of abuse.

Ephesians 5:25 (ESV) Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

·      Our relationship with our spouse is to mirror our relationship with Christ.

·      Jesus was NOT harsh, mean, rude or abusive

·      Jesus is altogether, only, and always loving, gracious, merciful, and good to the church.

·      So in no way are we saying that a wife—and that is most often the case—should endure any abuse at all.

The only way to not have abuse in a marriage is to call only one spouse to obey the Bible.

If you’re a woman in an abusive relationship, you need to tell a pastor. You may need to tell the police. You may need to get a restraining order. He needs to get serious help. There is no way we would encourage a woman to be in a dangerous position. That violence tends to only escalate; it extends to the children, and can result in the murder of the wife. Of course that is not what we want. We want to see marriages last, but not marriages last with abuse.

The Third Question: What about remarriage after a divorce?

Luke 16:18, “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.”

·      If you’re going to destroy the marriage, you don’t get another one.

·      You must confess your sin, stand before God and repent.

·      Then and ONLY then will you be restored in God's sight.

1 Corinthians 7:15, “If the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.”

·      If  your unbelieving spouse leaves, you can remarry.

If you’re on the receiving end of any of the reasons for divorce we talked about, you can remarry. But I caution you to seek counseling and healing before you try again. But again, this is not math, this is life. We want to get to know you, look at all the variables, be involved, walk with you, and help figure this out.

Closing:

Is there hope in safeguarding your marriage?

How many of you have heard that there is no statistical difference between Christians and non-Christians when it comes to such things as adultery and divorce? Have you heard that? It’s almost now an urban legend.

The good news: it’s not true.

·      The study was flawed.

·      They didn’t dig in to the lives of those asked “Are you a Christian?”

·      So of course anyone who has ever been to church said yes!

It’s not just profession of faith, its possession and practice of faith that matter.

Jesus says, “Many will come to me and say, ‘Lord, Lord, we belong to you,’ and he will say, ‘Depart from me, I never knew you.’”

A new Study:

So I did a bit of research and I think the best sociologist in this area is a man named Bradford Wilcox. He’s at the University of Virginia. He did a massive study, the largest of its kind. And he published a book on his findings called Soft Patriarchs, New Men. And he says that for those who are Christian, there are three variables that do not necessarily guarantee marital success, but drop the divorce rate in half. So we need to know what they are.

Number one: regular, joint church attendance.

·      Husband and wife going to, part of, involved in community with the same church.

·      This allows you to be under teaching, under authority, in community, getting accountability, positive examples, negative examples, encouragement for being obedient, and discouragement for becoming disobedient.

·       Go to church together. And don’t just go to church together, be in community, get in a small group, teach the kids together, be a part of the body of Christ.

Number two: shared theology.

·      You agree on Jesus and the Bible and marriage and roles.

·      Carrie and I don’t have much in common.

·       

But what we agree, the Bible is God’s Word, Jesus is God’s Son, the law of God exposes our sin, we need the grace of Christ, we need the humility of the Holy Spirit, we need to repent to one another, we need to forgive one another, we need to obey the Bible because Jesus is Lord and I’m not. If we agree on those things, you can build a marriage. The rest is all details.

Number three: bring your faith home.

·      Do you read the Bible together at home?

·      Do you read Christian books together?

·       Are you in a small group together?

·       Do you pray together?

o   If so, your odds of divorce go down by 50% because the couple that prays together stays together

o    

Every night, I snuggle up to Carrie and I pray for her, I pray over her, I pray with her. Couples who take their faith home, they tend not only to not get divorced, 70% report being, quote unquote, “very happy in their marriage.”

So here’s the good news. God’s way still works. God’s way still works. And if you’re one of those couples who are here, you really need to be in fellowship with God’s people, you need to be under the authority of God’s Word. And this can’t be something that just happens for a couple hours a week on Sunday. It needs to be a lifestyle practiced in your home between you and your spouse.

I’m going to pray for you, I hope you hear my heart in this. I desperately love you. We want good for you. We don’t want you to be divorced. Tragically, sometimes there are cases that require that. But let us help you and do all that we can to see as few as we can meet that fate.