Ephesians Part 17
Wives
Ephesians 5:22–33 (NLT)
22For wives, this means submit to your husbands
as to the Lord.
23For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ
is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.
24As the church submits to Christ, so you wives
should submit to your husbands in everything.
25For husbands, this means love your wives, just
as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her
32This is a great mystery, but it is an
illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.
33So again I say, each man must love his wife as
he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
So, Last week the
men got it, and now I want to clarify some things for the women!
I read an article this week that sort of provoked me adding
this to this week’s sermon. And I want to read some of it and explain what it
means to me lead and to submit. And try to explain men in general and why they tend
to follow instead of lead in the home!!!
The article:
My “Aha Moment” happened because of a package of hamburger meat.
I asked my husband to stop by the store to pick up a few things for dinner, and
when he got home, he plopped the bag on the counter. I started pulling things
out of the bag, and realized he’d gotten the 70/30 hamburger meat – which means
it’s 70% lean and 30% fat.
I asked, “What’s this?”
“Hamburger meat,” he replied, slightly confused.
“You didn’t get the right kind,” I said.
“I didn’t?” He replied with his brow furrowed. ” Was there some
other brand you wanted or something?”
“No. You’re missing the point, ” I said. “You got the 70/30. I
always get at least the 80/20.”
He laughed. “Oh. That’s all? I thought I’d really messed up or
something.”
That’s how it started. I launched into him. I berated him for
not being smarter. Why would he not get the more healthy option? Did he even
read the labels? Why can’t I trust him? Do I need to spell out every little
thing for him in minute detail so he gets it right? Also, and the thing I was
probably most offended by, why wasn’t he more observant? How could he not have
noticed over the years what I always get? Does he not pay attention to anything
I do?
As he sat there, bearing the
brunt of my righteous indignation and muttering responses like, “I never
noticed,” “I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal,” and “I’ll get it
right next time,” I saw his face gradually take on an expression that I’d seen
on him a lot in recent years. It was a combination of resignation and
demoralization. He looked eerily like our son does when he gets chastised.
That’s when it hit me. “Why am I doing this? I’m not his mom.”
I suddenly felt terrible. And embarrassed for myself. He was
right. It really wasn’t anything to get bent out of shape over. And there I was
doing just that. Over a silly package of hamburger meat that he dutifully picked
up from the grocery store just like I asked. If I had specific requirements, I
should have been clearer. I didn’t know how to gracefully extract myself from
the conversation without coming across like I have some kind of split
personality, so I just mumbled something like, “Yeah. I guess we’ll make do
with this. I’m going to start dinner.”
He seemed relieved it was over and he left the kitchen.
And then I sat there and thought long and hard about what I’d
just done. And what I’d been doing to him for years, probably. The “hamburger
meat moment,” as I’ve come to call it, certainly wasn’t the first time I
scolded him for not doing something the way I thought it should be done. He was
always putting something away in the wrong place. Or leaving something out. Or
neglecting to do something altogether. And I was always right there to point it
out to him.
Why do I do that? How does it benefit me to constantly belittle
my husband? The man that I’ve taken as my partner in life. The father of my
children. The guy I want to have by my side as I grow old. Why do I do what
women are so often accused of, and try to change the way he does every little
thing? Do I feel like I’m accomplishing something? Clearly not if I feel I have
to keep doing it. Why do I think it’s reasonable to expect him to remember
everything I want and do it just that way? The instances in which he does
something differently, does it mean he’s wrong? When did “my way” become “the
only way?” When did it become okay to constantly correct him and lecture him
and point out every little thing I didn’t like as if he were making some kind
of mistake?
And how does it benefit him? Does it make him think, “Wow! I’m
sure glad she was there to set me straight?” I highly doubt it. He probably
feels like I’m harping on him for no reason whatsoever. And it I’m pretty sure
it makes him think his best approach in regards to me is to either stop doing
things around the house, or avoid me altogether.
Two cases in point. #1. I recently found a shard of glass on the
kitchen floor. I asked him what happened. He said he broke a glass the night
before. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said, “I just cleaned it up and
threw it away because I didn’t want you to have a conniption fit over it.”
#2. I was taking out the trash and found a pair of blue tube
socks in the bin outside. I asked him what happened and why he’d thrown them
away. He said, “They accidentally got in the wash with my jeans. Every time I
put in laundry, you feel the need to remind me not to mix colors and whites. I
didn’t want you to see them and reinforce your obvious belief that I don’t know
how to wash clothes after 35 years.”
So it got to the point where he felt it was a better idea — or
just plain easier — to cover things up than admit he made a human error. What
kind of environment have I created where he feels he’s not allowed to make
mistakes?
And let’s look at these “offenses”: A broken glass. A pair
of blue tube socks. Both common mistakes that anyone could have made. But he
was right. Regarding the glass, I not only pointed out his clumsiness for
breaking it, but also due to the shard I found, his sad attempt at cleaning it
up. As for the socks, even though he’d clearly stated it was an accident, I
gave him a verbal lesson about making sure he pays more attention when he’s
sorting clothes. Whenever any issues like this arise, he’ll sit there and take
it for a little bit, but always responds in the end with something like, “I
guess it just doesn’t matter that much to me.”
I know now that what he means is, “this thing that has you so
upset is a small detail, or a matter of opinion, or a preference, and I don’t
see why you’re making it such a big deal.” But from my end I came to interpret
it over time that he didn’t care about my happiness or trying to do things the
way I think they should be done. I came to view it like “this guy just doesn’t
get it.” I am clearly the brains of this operation.
I started thinking about what I’d observed with my friends’
relationships, and things my girlfriends would complain about regarding their
husbands, and I realized that I wasn’t alone. Somehow, too many women have fallen into the belief that Wife
Always Knows Best. There’s even a phrase to reinforce it: “Happy wife, happy life.”
That doesn’t leave a lot of room for his opinions, does it?
It’s an easy stereotype to buy into. Look at the media. Movies,
TV, advertisements – they’re all filled with images of hapless husbands and
clever wives. He can’t cook. He can’t take care of the kids. If you send him
out to get three things, he’ll come back with two — and they’ll both be wrong.
We see it again and again.
What
this constant nagging and harping does is send a message to our husbands that
says “we don’t respect you. We don’t think you’re smart enough to do things
right. We expect you to mess up. And when you do, you’ll be called out on it
swiftly and without reservation.” Given this kind of negative
reinforcement over time, he feels like nothing he can do is right (in your
eyes). If he’s confident with himself and who he is, he’ll come to resent you.
If he’s at all unsure about himself, he’ll start to believe you, and it becomes
a self-fulfilling prophecy. Neither one is a desirable, beneficial outcome to
you, him or the marriage.
Did my husband do the same to me? Just as I’m sure there are
untold numbers of women who don’t ever do this kind of thing to their husbands,
I’m sure there are men who do it to their wives too. But I don’t think of it as
a typical male characteristic. As I sat and thought about it, I realized my husband
didn’t display the same behavior toward me. I even thought about some of the
times I really did make mistakes. The time I backed into the gate and scratched
the car? He never said a word about it. The time I was making dinner, got
distracted by a call from my mom, and burned it to cinders? He just said, “We
can just order a pizza.” The time I tried to put the new patio furniture
together and left his good tools out in the rain? “Accidents happen,” was his
only response.
I shuddered to think what I would have said had the shoe been on
the other foot and he’d made those mistakes.
So is he just a better person than me? Why doesn’t he bite my
head off when I don’t do things the way he likes? I’d be a fool to think it
doesn’t happen. And yet I don’t remember him ever calling me out on it. It
doesn’t seem he’s as intent as changing the way I do things. But why?
Maybe
I should take what’s he always said at face value. The fact that these little
things “really don’t matter that much to him” is not a sign that he’s lazy, or
that he’s incapable of learning, or that he just doesn’t give a damn about what
I want. Maybe to him, the small details are not that important in his mind —
and justifiably so. They’re not the kinds of things to start fights over.
They’re not the kinds of things he needs to change about me. It certainly
doesn’t make him dumb or inept. He’s just not as concerned with some of the
minutia as I am. And it’s why he doesn’t freak out when he’s on the other side
of the fence.
The bottom line in all this is that I chose this man as my
partner. He’s not my servant. He’s not my employee. He’s not my child. I didn’t
think he was stupid when I married him – otherwise I wouldn’t have. He doesn’t
need to be reprimanded by me because I don’t like the way he does some things.
When I got to that point mentally, it then made me start
thinking about all the good things about him. He’s intelligent. He’s a good
person. He’s devoted. He’s awesome with the kids. And he does always help
around the house. (Just not always to my liking!) Even more, not only does he
refrain from giving me grief when I make mistakes or do things differently than
him, he’s always been very agreeable to my way of doing things. And for the
most part, if he notices I prefer to do something a certain way, he tries to
remember it in the future. Instead of focusing on those wonderful things, I
just harped on the negative. And again, I know I’m not alone in this.
If we keep attempting to make our husbands feel small, or
foolish, or inept because they occasionally mess up (and I use that term to
also mean “do things differently than us”), then eventually they’re going to stop trying to do things. Or
worse yet, they’ll actually come to believe those labels are true.
In my case it’s my husband of 12+ years I’m talking about. The
same man who thanklessly changed my car tire in the rain. The guy who taught
our kids to ride bikes. The person who stayed with me at the hospital all night
when my mom was sick. The man who has always worked hard to make a decent
living and support his family.
He knows how to change the oil in the car. He can re-install my
computer’s operating system. He lifts things for me that are too heavy and
opens stuck jar lids. He shovels the sidewalk. He can put up a ceiling fan. He
fixes the toilet when it won’t stop running. I can’t (or don’t) do any of those
things. And yet I give him grief about a dish out of place. He’s a good man who
does a lot for me, and doesn’t deserve to be harassed over little things that
really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
Since my revelation, I try to catch myself when I start to nag. I’m not always
100% consistent, but I know I’ve gotten a lot better. And I’ve seen that one
little change make a big improvement in our relationship. Things seem more
relaxed. We seem to be getting along better. I think we’re both starting to see
each other more as trusted partners, not adversarial opponents at odds with
each other in our day-to-day existence. I’ve even come to accept that sometimes
his way of doing things may be better!
It
takes two to make a partnership. No one is always right and no one is always
wrong. And you’re not always going to see eye-to-eye on every little thing. It
doesn’t make you smarter, or superior, or more right to point out every little
thing he does that’s not to your liking. Ladies, remember, it’s just hamburger
meat.
http://thefederalistpapers.org/us/woman-realizes-that-shes-been-accidentally-abusing-her-husband-this-whole-time
WOW!
·
As I read this I thought of the countless times
I have sat with couples and heard this very thing
·
The wife pointing out every little thing wrong
·
And the husband just sitting there saying
nothing
·
And when I bring them in separately he says
this:
o I
just can’t make her happy
o I
try, but it’s never good enough
o I
feel like I’m walking on egg shells
o I
just give up
·
And eventually one of two things happen
o One
he just gives in (we call it she wears the pants and skirt)
o Two
he shuts down and emotionally checks out/leaves totally
o He
feels That is his only two options
Women have power to breathe
life in or suck it out!
Proverbs 31:10–12 (NLT)
10Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She
is more precious than rubies.
11Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly
enrich his life.
12She brings him good, not harm, all the days of
her life.
·
Are you life giving
·
Or life taking?
·
You have the power to help mold and shape your husband/partner
·
You have the power to help or hurt
·
You have more power than you know!
So, use your God
given power to breathe life!
·
God has given women the privilege and the
ability to bring life to her husbands with their love. Women have enormous
power with men, and can use it for good or for evil.
Consider three examples from the Scripture.
·
Take the power of Delilah with Samson.
Samson could take on an army of warriors, but he surrendered to the charms of
one woman.
o In Killing
Giants, Pulling Thorns, Chuck Swindoll describes Samson as a
"He-man, with a she-weakness."
·
Take King David, who faced and felled a
nine-foot Goliath, yet fell under the spell of Bathsheba.
o David
was so obsessed, he was drawn away from his God into immorality, lies, and
ultimately murder.
·
Solomon, who ruled over the golden years
of Israel, but was captivated by the power of women.
o Actually
make that 700 wives and 300 concubines.
A woman's power over men has not lessened since those biblical
days. Today, the advertising industry exploits this power in order to sell
everything from cars to toothpaste. Magazines, billboards, posters, and store
windows use attractive women, seductive women, and blatant sexual images to
catch a man's glance and capture his attention.
Every day men walk away from wives, children, friends, parents,
siblings—risking career and reputation. For what? Another woman.
Female attraction can be deadly. But death was not our
Designer's intention. Feminine power was intended to give life. Eve, as a
woman, was designed to complete her man, to nurture life in him, and to create
new life with him through children.
Many
wives do not understand how profound this power is. God has blessed you with a
feminine ability that you can use for great good in your husband's life in four
ways:
1. Meet his need for a helper.
·
Something is missing in every man. And
it's by divine design. After God created Adam, He said, "It is not good
for the man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18).
It's an astounding truth that the perfect God of the universe
created a perfect human being and then declared, "it is not good."
God intentionally created the first man with a need for companionship. Man was
incomplete. God orchestrated the perfect arrangement for His grand finale of
creation: a woman, the "helper suitable for him." It is still true since
"in the beginning" in Genesis, a wife makes a man complete and whole.
Your husband has this same need.
·
God brought you into his life to be his
"helper," to meet his companionship need. In Christian marriage, this
oneness is a unity of mind, body, and soul, and is celebrated through the
sexual union.
·
Women feel somehow superior that we
aren't as needy, we are. We are incomplete without our husbands. We need our
husbands to help us become who God designed us to be.
Neither can stand alone; as mentioned above, God's Word makes it
abundantly clear "it is not good that man should be alone." Women
must think as God instructs us to in the Bible about our men, ourselves, and
our marriages.
Of course, now after the fall of mankind, no one is totally
complete without the indwelling presence of Jesus Christ. Further, perfect
completeness cannot occur this side of heaven. But in marriage we can touch the
holiness of God; we can recapture a taste of what was lost in the Garden of
Eden when a husband and a wife express love, transparency, trust, and sacrifice
in the mystery of marital intercourse.
2. Bless his sexuality.
When God made a man to be attracted to a woman, He had multiple
purposes in mind. Adam's aloneness need was not just for a companion. He needed
Eve for the joy of finding pleasure in her total person—body, soul, and
spirit—and for the affirmation and blessing of his identity as a man that came
through her love for him. Genesis 2:25 says, "... and the man and his wife
were both naked and were not ashamed."
·
As a result, every wife has a deep, life-altering responsibility to her
husband to be a helper, and help him feel like the man God
created him to be. If I love my husband, I won't view his sexual needs
disapprovingly.
A number of years ago after Dennis spoke about marriage at a
seminary, a young wife came up to him with a question. She said, "I was
driving home with my husband the other night after church and decided to ask
him a question. I asked, 'What could I do to make you feel more like a man of
God?' There was silence in the darkness of the car as we were driving home.
Then my husband said, 'When I come home from work at the church at the end of
the day, meet me at the front door with no clothes on.'"
With a bit of a blush she asked Dennis, "Do you think I ought
to do that?"
Dennis encouraged this young woman to please her husband
sexually because he knew that in doing so, she would be profoundly validating
his God-ordained manhood.
·
Since all men are created with a need for
companionship, they journey from boyhood into adulthood needing to know that
their maleness is good and positive. Humanly speaking, this is a question that
only his wife should answer, a blessing only she should give.
3. Protect your husband from temptation.
·
You have the power to protect your
husband from temptation by making sure his sexual needs are met by you and you
alone.
I have a good friend who said it this way: "If you don't
want to do his laundry, your husband can take his clothes to the cleaners. If
you decide you don't want to cook anymore for him, he can go out to any number
of great restaurants to eat. But if your husband isn't getting his sexual needs
met at home with you, and he goes somewhere else, God calls that a sin."
Don't misunderstand what I'm saying. If your husband sins in
this way, he's responsible before God. But at the same time,
·
understand that you play a powerful role
in helping him not to yield to temptation.
God created us as men and women with profoundly inherent
differences. If you love him, you'll want to protect him from the limitless
temptations that the enemy of his soul floats by him day after day.
·
You are most powerful as a wife when you
become a student of what your husband likes and then use that knowledge and
your feminine skill to protect him from temptation and sin.
4. Keep him for life.
When we stated our vows at the wedding altar, most of us
repeated the words "to have and to hold" and "till death do us
part." We signed up for life. But have you ever thought about what it
means to "have" and "hold" your husband?
·
To have implies
a possession. It means he belongs to you and no one else. He is your
responsibility, and you are his.
Are you fulfilling your sexual responsibility? For frequency?
Creativity? Have you turned him down more often than you have invited his love?
·
Do you put his needs before or after those
of your children or your work?
·
To hold means
to keep or bond, much like a magnet. A magnet has the power within to pull
another polar opposite to itself.
My husband and I are virtual opposites in nearly every way. It's
what attracted us to each other in the first place. But I must continue to be a
magnet in his life if I am to keep him. Too many women would love to have him
if I let him leave home for work or travel constantly in a state of sexual deprivation.
First Corinthians 7:5 (NKJV) tells us, "Do not deprive one another except
with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to ... prayer; and come
together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of
self-control."
·
This may come as no surprise to you, but
most men want—really want—their wives to
passionately desire them.
And when you express sexual longing for him—whether verbally or
nonverbally—your husband is unlikely to refuse your magnetic power.
For a number of weeks I planned a special, romantic two-night
getaway to a bed and breakfast in another town. I planned and shopped and
organized all the right elements for our time together. Then I called him while
he was away on a speaking engagement and told him that I would be picking him
up at the airport—but we would not be
going home! I also dropped more than a few subtle hints about what kind of
adventure he could expect.
Power? Absolutely. Attraction? Ask him.
My husband is a man's man, but when I picked him up at the
airport, he was as excited as a child on Christmas Eve.
That weekend was memorable for both of us. We both had a
wonderful time, but Dennis especially did. He talked about it for months and
still mentions it from time to time after all these years.
·
The more a wife affirms her husband's
God-given manhood, the more she helps build him into the man God wants him to
be. This power of a wife to affirm him, bless him, protect him, and keep him is
blessed by God. It
is a very good, nurturing, life-giving gift. Knowing this, I've often wondered
why we women don't want or choose to use our God-given powers to affirm and
nurture our husbands more often.
http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/wives/4-ways-to-harness-your-power-for-good-in-your-husbands-life
